Goodbye Grandma

It has taken me a few days to even begin to get this down in black and white and now it is 2AM and I can’t sleep so I may as well get started. I will apologize in advance because it will probably be long and rambling.

It’s funny how things seem to work sometimes. (Funny strange not funny ha ha). In the last week I have read some good blogs that made me think about my grandparents. The first was by Jacqueline about her wonderful grandmother who had recently turned 100 and the second was by Annette and was entitled Biggest Regrets of the Elderly. Very different articles that made me think about the lives of my grandparents in different ways.

At the time I read these, my grandma was sick with pneumonia and in the hospital. I had the opportunity to go and visit her in the hospital on Monday afternoon. Although she recognized me, she was unable to speak as her illness her taken away her breath and her ability to speak. That afternoon, there were several of us there including her 5 children and a few of their spouses along with myself and a couple of other grandchildren that were able to make it.

When we took a break and went down to the cafeteria for some coffee, the talk was mostly somber. My mother and her siblings discussed funeral arrangements and such as with the state my grandmother was in there was little doubt that she would not be with us much longer. My cousin joked half-heartedly that she would probably surprise us all and make a full recovery and live for ten more years. But it was not meant to be. I got the call from my mother on Tuesday morning that my grandma passed away through the night.

From a personal viewpoint, there are a few good and bad things that I observe. Obviously the first is that I lost my grandma, one of the few people that have been there through my entire life and who have always loved me unconditionally. Let’s face it, grandparents are special people, the people who teach you new things and help you grow as a person but who don’t have the obligation of imposing tight boundaries around you like your parents do (that’s why grandparents are allowed to spoil you).

Without rehashing details I just covered in a previous post, before this week I have lost 5 people in my life that I considered very close to me. This is the first time I had the opportunity to “say goodbye” ahead of time. My mother advised me that if I did not want to go to the hospital and see my grandma in the state she was in it would be understandable (preserve the memory of her as she was while living not dieing). I certainly considered not going, mostly from not wanting to face the reality of the situation, but I am glad I went to see her on what turned out to be her last day with us. Although being able to “say goodbye” certainly doesn’t make it any better when you lose a loved one, I think it helps give some closure and gives a person some appreciation that your loved one is no longer suffering the way they were. I am sure this is a personal choice but I am glad I took the opportunity to see her, especially when I consider how many times in my life I have not taken opportunities when they arose only to lose them permanently (I have vowed to not let this happen anymore).

My grandma was the last of my grandparents that was still alive. My grandparents on my father’s side I never really had the privilege of really knowing. His father died when my dad was only 9 and as long as I can remember my grandma on my dad’s side had been in a home. I vaguely remember visiting what in my memory was her house when I was a small child but for the most part she lived in the nursing home. I (mistakenly I am told) thought she only spoke French because the one time a year when I would go with mom and dad to see her, that was all they spoke. My best memory of her was that although my parents would buy her presents that she would never use or keep, they gave her a cap and gown photo from my high school graduation and she kept it on the table beside her bed. I wish I had gotten to know her better but such are the follies of our youth when we don’t think of these things and life seemingly has no expiry date. My dad passed away when I was 19 and his mother not long after. My only grandfather I ever knew passed away about a year and a half ago. It was quite hard for me because we were very close but I know I am blessed to have had so much time with him and had the opportunity to forge a close bond with him. Although they are both gone now, I am happy that my mother’s parents were fortunate to have long lives that they were able to live in independence. My grandfather was 95 when he passed away and spent almost the first 90 of it living on the farm where he was born, the last years living with grandma (who had just turned 88 last month) in an apartment here in Regina. Neither ever had to live in a nursing home and although they relied on others for things as they got older, I know it is rare to have that kind of independence into your late 80s and 90s.

When I think of my grandparent’s I can always remember so many specific times spent with my grandpa and more of overall memories of my grandma. My grandpa was a person who we would follow around at the farm and who would be happy to take us to do anything and show us anything. He was the kind of forge ahead and get things done kind of person who would sometimes try to do things too fast and end up with memorable accidents. My grandma on the other hand, although never in my grandpa’s shadow, was the behind the scenes person who would have lunch ready for us when we came back and always looked out for us. She enjoyed company but hated to go and visit. She could spend time alone with no problem (I am a lot like that but I would rather be alone looking out at the Caribbean or at a patio bar in Korea by myself and she would rather be at her home alone). She often took jabs about some of her unorthodox behaviors but just as often had staunch defenders in her children and grandchildren. She was a breast cancer survivor. She was loved.

Some of my favorite memories in my life involve my grandparents. When I was in my 20s, if I was around the farm, quite often my cousins (and usually some of their friends) and I would end up out at my grandparents house. Before you knew it there would be a bottle of rye on the table and we would spend hours listening to them tell stories about “the good old days” (and eventually there would be an empty bottle of rye on the table). Six hours could easily go by like a half. More recently, my wife and I would visit them at their apartment to visit and the time would always go so quickly, but I guess that’s how life goes… quickly. Those are the times I miss the most, just sitting and “shooting the shit”.

Sometimes it is these harsh realities of losing the people we care about that gives us the extra jolt we need to get our asses in gear and get really living our lives. I am happy with the way I have been approaching my life recently and I am determined to make this event as a further push to making my life one I can be proud of. So I share my hard earned lessons with you. Like my grandma, be your own person but treat others with respect, in this way you will be surrounded by people who love the person you are and will stand up for your right to be that person when you need them. Please make sure to tell people you love them as often as you can. Don’t wait until tomorrow for anything because it may not come. Do not only cherish your memories but also write them down, memory is fragile and time goes by so quickly. Try to do something everyday that you are proud of (at the end of the day can you look yourself in the eye and be honestly proud of who you are?) Most of all, enjoy life because it is fragile and short and work and stress only shortens it. As Lucille Ball said, “I would rather regret the things I have done then the things I have not.”

I would just like to say to my grandma that I miss you already and I love you so much. I will always remember you. My cousin Jay said it as well as I could hope to, “rest in peace grandma… say hi to grandpa.”